Full detail of the First Occurance

I had a flashback, after several weeks of not having them. Flashbacks have been coming and going. Now they are slightly different. I'm not afraid of them anymore, and I'm seeing details with incredible clarity. I have now, calmly seen the full picture of what happened to me on Christmas Eve in 1962.

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It's been hard to put into words these images that I see in this particular flashback. There's something almost magical-surreal about it. Probably because I was so young when this happened. There is no fear, no anticipation of terror or pain. This is truly a memory of the first incident.

I was completely trusting of the person who picked me up and carried me out from one room to the next. There is tenderness there, a child asleep, clinging to a trusted Uncle. A soft whisper of assurance, an "it's okay", a hush, fingers running through my hair, a gentle hand on my back. A sense of security, a clueless 2 1/2 year old that doesn't know what is about to happen. How this moment of tenderness, gentleness, security was as important in the scope of things as what happened next. This mixture of love with this act of violence set the stage for a lifetime of confusion.

Next, he cradled me gently in his arms, rocking me ever so gently, laying my head on his lap. I sucked on his exposed penis, not knowing what it was, while he removed my diaper. I gagged on it--to far in my mouth. He picked me up off his lap then, holding me around the waist. Next came blinding pain as he forced his penis into my anus, pushing me down onto it, his hand on my mouth silenced my cry. When he was done, when the pain stopped, he gently rocked me back to sleep, with the same tenderness from before.

Writing this sends chills throughout my body.

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