I have spent a lot of my life hiding from the world behind emotional and physical barriers. Verbal abuse by peers made me shy and withdrawn. Fear of men and fear of physical abuse and actual sexual abuse has made me hide behind a wall of fat. It's difficult to learn how to live or how to enjoy life when you are too shy or afraid to live it.
The new me, the real me, the one that has emerged from the ashes strong and confident, wants to live life and enjoy it. No more hiding behind walls of fear and doubt. No more doubting my self or my abilities. I am a loving, caring, creative person whose ideas are important and whos abilities are strengths. I am who I am. I am alive and I am free and I love life.
Sometimes there are days when my confidence shatters, when all my efforts seem to be to no avail. There are days when tears come uncontrolled. On those days, I try to look beyond the immediate, and remember that where I am is so much further away from where I used to be. Some days I look and say, I've come so far, but I have so much further to go. But that's okay too. Not every day is roses and sunshine; I have to take the bad with the good. The important thing is that I am alive and I have survived, and I will go on surviving, and living.
As part of my healing process, I am writing letters to my abusers. Letters which I will include as part of this web site, but that will not be sent out. For the most part, I am unaware of the location of my abusers.
I will also be writing letters to myself. Letters to my littles, to my inner children. I'm not sure I will publish them here, but will explain my purpose for writing them at any rate.
The Future-a poem