Disclosure of Child Molestation

This is extremely difficult, and the details are still a bit hazy in my mind. But having had flashbacks of the incidents which occurred to me as an adult, I know that the flashbacks that I have had regarding this are of real events. Many people do not put stock in repressed memories, especially memories that have been repressed for more than 30 years. I do not tell this story as a prelude to some court action. The man who did this to me is dead, and there is no benefit in disturbing his family with this information. I tell this story for the same reason I told the rest of my story. When told, it is no longer hidden in my mind, eating away at my very being.

Having a revelation about an abusive experience has filled me with mixed feelings. On the one hand, it's horrible. I never expected to discover than anything like this happened to me. On the other hand, it explains so much about how I react/reacted to many things. It explains why I was instantly fearful when I had sex education class in Junior High School. It explains why I only had those nightmares in the one particular room in the house where this abuse had occurred. It explains why I have never ever been able to bear having any man stand directly behind me. It explains some acting out that I did as a teenager that I'd rather not think about, nor talk about.

These events occurred between the ages of 2 1/2 and 5 1/2. The memories I have are very sketchy, but some details are quite clear. I remember 4 distinct episodes, each occured in the same room, done by the same perp, all on the same date, Christmas Eve, 4 consecutive years.
The perp was a relative, and as I said before is no longer living.

The first incident, I was 2 1/2. I was taking a nap with several other children. I don't know if I was singled out, or if this happened to one or more of the others. I was carried across the hall to the other bedroom, also dark. There I was molested, raped anally. I don't remember much other than he was sitting down. Since I wrote this, I had one more clear memory of the incident. Before he raped me, he laid me on his lap and put his penis in my mouth.
Full detail remembered

The other three incident's were nearly the same. Same place, same person, same act. When I was 3 1/2, he held me tightly around the waist, arms and legs flailing around, and raped me while he was standing up.
When I was 4 1/2, he held me around the waist with my arms pinned against me.
When I was 5 1/2, he held me down, face down on the bed, just like in the nightmare I had when I was older.

I know I wasn't the only child he molested. I remembered an additional memory of an incident that happened one month prior to the first incident listed above. I was a witness to another victim's abuse.

I believe I have remembered all of the abuse that occured when I was a child. The flashbacks have stopped, thankfully, which is a good sign that there isn't anything left to remember. After I pieced together the entire traumatic experience, I also began to remember some other things, mainly good stuff, that happened during that time frame. I had had clear memories of events 1 month prior, and 1 month after the abuse, but a complete memory block of the time in between.

Broken Trust-a poem